Independence.

Saturday I took my boys to the fair. We had a deal that we would go each night with ten dollars and whatever was left we would use the rest of the week. If they went the whole week without whining for games and rides, I would fork over the loot for the 'all you can ride' wristbands and let them go at it on Saturday, so off we went.

We got there and it was H-O-T. I walked around for a while and then decided they were old enough to have a little freedom. I went back to the car and fixed the headliner, added windshield wiper fluid and checked and added more oil. Go me! Who needs a stinkin man.

I grabbed a library book and went back in, found the kids and let them know where i'd be and to check in in an hour. I ended up reading a book about a middle age chick who's boyfriend broke up with her in a heinous way and she got all the sympathy from her family for being unmarriable and an old spinster.

Oy.

Of course, I read and got all wrapped up in the charachters and by the time I finished the book I was feeling like an ogre who was destined to be alone forever. I walked around the county fair watching the couples all happy in love and together, holding hands and whatnot and started the pity party.

If they can all find 'happily ever after' love and get married and be all together forever, why can't I?

Sure, i've been proposed to. I could get married tomorrow if I wanted to, but what is holding me back? I try to tell myself that i'm independent, that I won't settle, that I have better things to do, that I don't need a man signing a contract giving him exclusive rights to my vagina to be complete, but what if...what if i'm just making excuses because I really AM an unmarriable shrew?

Lately I seem like i'm going back and forth between being glad that "at my age" people just assume i'm married off so they don't try to hook me up with their sons neighbors cousin who is a 'really really sweet boy' like they do at home. If they happen to ask, I just quietly mention that i've got a boyfriend back home and it's dropped.

I like it that way, I dont WANT to be set up on random dates, but then every now and then, when my kids are off doing their own thing and not needing me and i'm standing at the fair, alone, chilled with noone next to me to put their arm around me or offer me their jacket, well, i'm lonely.

It's weird.

It's odd.

It's so unlike me.

I don't like it one bit.

Life would be so much easier if my boys didn't grow up and stop needing me so much. Why can't I just freeze them last week when they still needed mamas snuggles more frequently. One day i'll find that perfect balance of being as independent as I want to be and allowing myself to lean on someone just enough to not be alone. One day